Bechdel and Bikinis - Best of the SyFy/Asylum Shark Movies (pt. 1)

Written and directed by Mark Atkin, it's one of two films on SyFy that imagine the inevitable WATERWORLD future after global warming had put our whole planet underwater; the few humans hold on via floating villages and sharks getting very good at leaping up through the air and biting of people's heads as they stand on the shaky floating platforms. Unfortunately, other than these delights, the EMPIRE depicted here isn't very nice, as it's run brutally by a ruthless thug played by John Savage who keeps demanding huger tributes of.... I'm guessing fish oil? From the villagers, who keep clamoring for more fresh water.

The pussy attitude of the villagers reminds me of the very clear difference between a well-armed populace like America's red states vs. the average Kramer-esque idealized 'small town' mentality. Wild roaming bandits would have a devil of a time in certain regions of the Southwest for example but could really raise the ruckus if the cops were gone from Connecticut, for example. Anyway, we get it - these guys who work for Saxon are bad - you don't have to rub it in with tired scenes culled from other movies depicting abuses of power--the flogging 'round the wheel of woe, the demanding twice the usual tribute in half the time, etc.--it's not why we come to shark movies! We want clear blue water, attractive people in bathing suits - and bloody bites upon the unsuspecting bather. Is that too much to ask?

Of course there's a girl (Ashley De Lange) named Willow with a mysterious stone who can control the sharks so we get a lot of the old 'make the sharks kill this woman or I'll destroy your village' thing - you have ten seconds!-kind of thing. As a concept it's not well thought out, but suspense grinds on with these countdowns while Willoq stares blankly at the water going "I can't" over and over and Saxon--right in her face--goes "you must! you must!" until one's attention turns to one's drink or the newspaper, if those still exist in your satellite world

Eventually a boatload of capable good guys show up --they're a nice mix of age, gender and race with weathered tans that look like they actually do live on the water (and as for the requisite hottie blonde- how nice that there's peroxide in the future) and things perk up, but their attack on Savage's compound fails, and soon they're all being fed to the sharks again while Savage counts down from ten. "I can't! I can't!" It's all very grim and--what is ze word, Dr. Jones? Hackneyed? Tired? Like being dragged to one too many sadistic gladiator movies by a man who you're beginning to suspect isn't really your uncle.

Pros: the pirate ship manned by the well-named Mason Scrimm (Jonathan Pienar) is coolly outfitted with human bone railings, which goes a long way, as does the nifty catapult; also, re: Willow's hair - good to know there's still peroxide in the future. The scenery--clearly the oceans around South Africa---is de-lovely.

Shot the year previous to EMPIRE, it nonetheless works as the happy ever after sequel to that film's dour patriarchal outlaw grimness (and Mark Atkins wrote and directed both). Here the Bechdel test in full effect (with three doctors played by women!) it's a huge progress as this advanced functioning society is totally matriarchal and operating without the need for money or barter for goods and services. So while you can imagine either one coming first, this one was screened after EMPIRE last weekend, so I saw it as the Hillary future - and so might you!


In the pic above--center-- is Lindsay Sullivan as the no-nonsense leader, Dr. Roy Shaw (!); over the course of an almost real time afternoon she coordinates a) the launch window for both a HARP blast down into the magma under the shark zone, and b) the rocket that will launch co2 scrubbers into the upper atmosphere and refreeze the caps. Christa Vissar stars as Dr. Caroline Munroe (!) who a) works on launching the HARP device and then fucking up the ampullae of Lorenzini of the lead alpha shark -- all of it coordinated via her boat's CB radio. There's lots of white knuckle suspense too as her colleague Dr. Shayne Nichols (Stephanie Baran) parasails a few leagues ahead of the badass alpha sharks to move a target dingy for the HARP (a very well done scene, with her riding of the wind to leap as sharks jump up at her superbly done; and then when the boat sails right into an oncoming tidal wave, hoping to roll over it before it reaches megalithic heights.)

Another female highlight comes earlier: Angie Teodoro Dick as the wild neopagan shamaness with the spear (top image) leader of the rogue New Orleans voodoo style outpost who deals with the advancing shark issue by a kind of savage Stomp performance on the floating docks as they draw the sharks in to stab them with their mighty lances. Their growling and chanting and thumping goes on about three minutes too long, but the initial bad vibe created by their eventual senseless shark slaughter is interesting in context, as is the dimly lesbian look she shares with the incredulous Shaw.

All in all it's a noted step up from most Asylum productions, with some craft, focus, and money clearly invested - somebody really put it in the mix and tried to one of these films look good. It understands the being serious doesn't mean not being witty - and above all, the sunny and clear water vibe really works and the feminist stance is invigorating without being didactic. After all, if both sides of the divide can't cheer at the sight of a badass lady jumpstarting a Co2 scrubber rocket by jabbing two insulated leads into the electro-magnetic ampullae of a hyper alpha mutant shark, then we deserve extinction.


An unscrupulous big game hunting property owner tries to clear out his hick trailer park (they're all squatters) by flooding it from the nearby river. In comes a shark... not just any shark either. As the crafty lead Rob (Thomas Ian Nicholas) notes "this shark has issues... electrical ones."

spends the movie looking for his self-reliant girlfriend Jolene (Lulu Jovovich) and together they work to rally the scrappy indigents.

Pros: Some good dopey humor and strong female characters: they may be slightly trashy but they're smart and courageous. Though she has only a minor role, Tara Reid is a joy as a trash collecting trader who barely notices the trailer park's been flooded "One man's tragedy is another man's treasure," she notes before trying to sell the local scamp his watch back. When asked if she's seen his girl she notes "I aint seen a soul since thing's got biblical." Her accent sounds kind of like TANK GIRL's Lori Petty. Her laugh's fake as hell but she's clearly having fun in her new role as the SyFy channel's go-to shark celeb, though I still place my heart with Cassie Scerbo in SHARKNADO, even though the site of Reid throwing pink flamingos at the passing shark then charing it with a chainsaw is pretty pleasant.
For the male comic relief there's lanky AMC star Clint James as Rufus the Cowboy. He just about steals the show - his climactic slow-motion ride on his horse (named Dookie) right into the mouth of the shark is a big highlight, as are his surviving cries for how the shark ate his Dookie... like the ginchy score he plays it just straight enough it's actually funny rather than tiresome. There's also Hollywood McFinley as Cleon, evoking Tracy Morgan trying to swallow Dolemite. They all react differently to their homes being flooded, but more or less they've seen worse, and from their rooftops and makeshift boats they do battle with the landlord's thugs who zip around the flooded park on jet skis! And as the thug number one -- David Callaway is like a combination Julian in TRAILER PARK BOYS and - Jason Momoa. No one asked for that, but we're glad to have it just the same. I also like that the water is sufficiently gross on the surface that a shark can easily hide in the detritus. It looks, I mean, like water does when it floods a rural region - the surface is black or muddy and all sorts of shit be floating - but with the unusual ambience of trailer roofs + trees and bad guys on jet skis whizzing around, angering the resourceful locals

What I also like about this one is that keeps it simple -one shark - one day in the life - real time practically as events unfold; and the score is just right for the situation, playing things up just slightly awry, dedpan straight but in on the joke (big orchestral swells when one good old boy finds another alive), and hell, the sight of the bad guys running around between the trees in their hunting gear on their camouflage netting-covered jet-skis is so damned American it makes me want to drink Mountain Dew in slow motion.

Cons: The sight of full beer kegs getting drained (not drunk, just drained into the water) for use as flotation devices  -- what a tragic waste.

But hey, "This is for my big brown Dookie," says Rufus.
And you believe him.

Allisyn Ashley Arm as Molly

you won't find it down there, Columbus

Helmed a woman writer/director who fills the larder with interesting characters - including a cool family helmed by a fun grandma, and book nerd Daria type sister named Molly (Allisyn Ashley Arm) who wont put her book down (at least it's not an iPhone) to appreciate the fine river scenery. With her hipster layering and hipster hair and folk bling she reminds me of about four different girls I knew in the 90s and 00s and maybe you know them, too. There's an 'all in a day' real time kind of vibe as we follow the river down to the docks where the brother and his newfound girl run into the doofus boyfriend as well as relatively cool parents (the mom with her weathered look). This being the Ozarks, there's a salty survivalist who's ready for the shark incursion with a giant spear gun mounted in the back of his pick-up, and assorted firearms. By the end of the river-long chase, Molly will be an arms proficient badass.

Pros: there's a cool/hot MILF at the river party I wish to have seen more of. I think someone saves her little baby. Tons of varied female characters to go with the usual bimbo snacks (this beach party seems to be largely girls, which is totally cool with me). The score has some of those classic Jerry Goldsmith Alien woodwind quarter notes. Keep 'em comin'!

Cons: her boyfriend who follows her down there on vacation, is a tool. But hey, he dies.


There's a new singles health and fitness resort on a gorgeous Puerto Rican island - "Bodies by Reese: Singles Fitness Resort" - Reese (Eric Etarbi, lower left) with his hirsute tanned chest and blazing white open shirt, bossing around a crew of gorgeous young employees as they prepare to open, not realizing that the clear blue water is high in arsenic and a toxic chemical-spewing giant shark swims in it, and it spits toxins that turn people into crazy 28 Days Later -istyle homicidal maniacs (they talk though - and do some pretty good maniac babble). Soon the dwindling number of attractive college kids are all stranded and trying to send a boat out for help, dealing with the mounting zombie menace plus the shark issue is a lot to process, so they better think fast.

Pros: This one relies heavily on the gorgeous scenery and people - all of whom are - as per the needs of the health spa--young, gorgeous, toned or otherwise in peak physical health and fertility. The comedy tries not to overflow the banks of horror and 'MTV Singles' satire and the eco-awareness tragedy is all the more biting for being so downplayed. The place looks like paradise on earth, so the idea that the water is toxic and no fish survive only an arsenic-infused toxic shark, a situation well summed up by one of them: "All those years of polluting the ocean has finally come back to bite us, literally!" There's a pretty funny wipe-out off a four-wheeler along the shore, with a couple getting believably swept out in the crashing tide.

Big plus: Your mileage may vary but for me the pinnacle hottie in all these films is Kabby Borders (what a name!) as Eden (top in above row, lower left), who wears a fetching navy blue bikini with pink and aquamarine trim that matches her sandy blonde hair, sparkly blue eyes and dim trace of freckles and nary a trace of the busted weather-beaten look of so many broads in these films who can't seem to go gentle into their late thirties. All the girls here are young and hot but naturally so--they radiate health! Sie sind heimiche! -and even the boys are unobjectionable relative to... you know, its ilk. And best of all, if you're old and experienced, you have no wish to join them. Kale salad and sexual obsession  - you can keep it! I'll just loll in the surfy rhythms and keep myself preserved for furtive generations.

Pros: The director generously gives us long shots that catch Eden's whole gorgeous physique in that suit (as opposed to either leering or cropping or relying on tired Amicus-style close-ups.) I could watch her test the sea water for arsenic all the live long day. Though there's no conspicuous feminist strides, Angie O'Neill's script regularly surprises: one girl doesn't understand the word 'vapid'but it's not the one you'd think. The girls all talk mainly about getting laid but it's for Eden to get over her ex (who then shows up, unaware she's there--he's trying to get over her) and in the end she still pushes him away to take it slow! He agrees! The shocks keep coming! "Take a hike in the rainforest and take some samples of whatever..." One of the hotties is a bookworm but doesn't wear glasses, etc.  Eric Etabari is pretty hilarious as Reese, trying to play down the emergency as just bad vibes, especially after one of the girls gets rabid from the toxic sludge and tries to bite him. Until it gets wet, the hair on Eden's go-to chatty compadre, Audra (Christina Masterson) is long and lustrous, sparkling in the glittery sun. As she sits with Eden, their white teeth blazing and hair rolling and shining--as the surf rolls in --we may begin to finally, on some pleasant level, feel relaxed and attuned to a higher power. Then of course, shit hits the fan, but slowly, over real-time tracking shots from the infirmary down along the balcony to the beach, and the ocean, as staff worried walking conferences and guests hoping each other will be okay overlap. And then, of course, all hell breaks loose. Lots of gaping and struggling to get out of the water and slow motion moments of processing grief and overwhelmed staff freaking out.

Cons: The ugly ass shark itself is great, lunging and snapping like a muthuh - but the toxic sludge spew is ridiculously bad CGI. A real low - it's not even shaded (there's only one sort of flat food coloring green). The bickering between Eden and her ex gets old almost as quick as it would in real life -- as if O'Neill is exploring the relationship side of 'toxic' as well as the literal (shark) side.

 Meta-Bonus Round: When I first saw it, the commercial breaks were pretty well times, do there were some nice jump cuts the munching sharks to mouth-watering close-ups of Burger King double whoppers (I think it was Whoppers).

The sole reasons to see this are the bangin' PR scenery and the presence of two babes in scientific research positions -- Nikki Howard's willowy raven-haired Dr. Angie Yost, and her oceanographic aquarium scientist chum Lindsay Snyder. Mainly, it's Howard who puts it over, by managing to do just enough acting to be believable without being tiresome. And of course, she looks very professional in a lab coat over red tank top, with shark tooth necklace and long raven hair. She's smart, and if a trifle judgmental ("Way to go, World!" she says sarcastically pulling plastic out of a shark's gut during a collegiate demo), yet accessible in her imperfection (she identifies Cerberus as having only two-heads.

Pros? Since there's five heads to our shark this time, there's lots of young people and/or tourists and/or fishermen in the beautiful blue waters of Puerto Rico all lining up in rows of five while looking out from the lip of the boat - which is very obliging. You don't want to get only four in one go, and leave one head sulky. Ah well, at least the film has the temerity to spend most of the film out in the clear gorgeous blue waters, with Howard looking especially smart.

Cons: Though the two main 'final dudes' never stop wearing their baseball backwards, like a pair of real douchebag tools, the bad guy aquarium owner is worse. He tries to sound tough as he does his song and dance about how it's okay to put his team in danger since if they don't capture a five-headed shark alive for the aquarium then everyone's losing their job. On and on his rants go, fishtailing out into apologies once the team starts getting eaten. His high little voice makes Bruce Dern sound like Orson Welles. I eventually had to FF to get past his scenes, figuring I'd check back in after he's eaten, but he keeps hanging around until almost the bitter end.

Ah well, at least the other boys (with the cap issue) don't otherwise irk, but slide conveniently in their slots (the weathered manly slightly salty and dissolute ex-boyfriend charter captain, the cute scruffy tech nerd) and let the girls work the emotional high wire, as nature intented. And if anyone's lucky enough to marry Dr. Angie, it's with the caveat they'll have to eat vegan. Our jealousy trails off to a dull splash.
Meanwhile, the only clear danger present might be carpal tunnel on the CGI programmer, but one suspects even he did not work too hard. Ah well, line 'em up!

A simple counting of the row of obliging meals ahead lets you know this is a still from 5-Headed Shark Attack.  If these sequels keep mounting they're gonna need a wider boat.